HVH3 #68 Hash Trash "Where'd the trail go?"
(The Hash Previously known as HVH3 #61)
Where: FoodKingCityPlaceWhatever, Turners Falls, MA
When: Sunday, 27 April, 2003 1400 or so
Who: (apoligies if any missed)
Anti-Cock, At your Cervix, Dewey Do ME!, Cajonas, Came on Vacation, Canis
Lickus, Just Frank
Visitors: Swamp Thang, Cock hung Pow (?), Follow My Tits, Dot,
Virgin: Just Annette
Why: Beer, of course
Our Scribe being hare and not wanting to stroke himself anymore than is
absolutely necessary, has invited someone else to have a go in his stead. Hmmm
that doesn't exactly say it the way I want, but here goes:
It was a truly loverly day Sunday, 27 April, in sunny Tunners falls. The
FoodKing parking lot was a buzz of anticipation and a HUGE turnout (for Happy
Valley) of 11 eager Hashers. The water in the canal was running fast, pre lube
brew was cold and generously offered by the soon to be ChattanogaH3 GM, Swamp
Thang. (You won't be able to stop Priscilla) And there was the occasional breeze
wafting a slight stink from the dumpters, ooo what a day.
Hare abuse began at the chalk talk, (Is the Back check mark the First hash? or
do we start counting from the next hash? Does the BC# mark count as One?)
De-erections for the Beer Check were given clear as mud, involving tracing a
line along a fallen Birch Tree towards it's stump and triangulating from Power
line tower #37, using Magnetic North as a reference, follow the voices in your
head until you see a flickering chalice above the battlements. Ask the pregnant
nun for the masoleum key and the beer will be in a plastic bag under some trees
about 2.5 rods away just past NO ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES ALLOWED sign, or something
like that.
Trail set out across Ave. A up the slope, next to a church (Hallelujah!), and
up.... and up the next street... and up... climb another sloping sidewalk, up
one more hill and up some more, where trail flattened out just past the deer
pelt (yep, Turners is a 'special' place) with a BackCheck16. (That's a YBF to
the uninitiated, as in 'hare's gonna drink for this'... gonna drink alot) The
question then is, do we count the BC16 as the first mark or not? Caaarefully
counting hash back, the pack arrives.... at the start, where the hare has left a
quite nasty message about "No 1/4 for FRBs" or some such nonsense... the
bastard.
A short bit past the stinking dumpsters, down a gravel wash, trail follows along
the swift running canal to the first check, splitting the FRBs. True trail
crosses the canal and bangs a left. A clear, no nonsense big 'ol white arrow
hanging left down along the opposite side of the canal.
Now here's where it got confusing, being a clever hasher and seeing that the
Turners Falls forefathers weren't all that imaginative, your fearless scribe
sets off straight, ignoring that 'suggested' left turn. Crossing a block or two
of the street grid, your scribe, spies another hasher a few blocks down who
evidently pulled the same clever trick a few blocks further along true trail.
Your scribe forges on... to find a hash mark pointing the opposite
direction!.... ooo what a clever hasher! Cutting off so much nasty running.
"On-On!" called and the pack blindly, foolishly, stupidly follows your scribe.
Several Witchy-ways later, touring through the abandoned mill back lots, back
over the canal and through some really wonderful neighborhoods, the pack arrives
back at the start behind the oh so attractive FoodKing. It's here where the
irritation grows; Beer Near mark in huge gaudy pink chalk pointing back to the
start. But, no fallen birch tree, no power line!, no flikering light on any
battlement!!!, where's the pregnant nun!!!!!!!!!!!
Luckily, to calm matters, the ever prepared Swamp Thang opens the cooler and
soothes the undrunk hashers. Much hunting and poking about the FoodKing, the
concrete business next door, the garden supply shop further down, the fetid
drainage ditch behind them all and nuthin'. Not a bottle, not a drop, not even a
discarded bottle cap... well there were plenty of those but even the smell of
the sacred beverage was gone from them long ago.
Suddenly, the remaining hashers gather round... 1, 2, 3..... where the hell did
the rest go? Not even a "see yah loser!" to guide the way. Just a lone call
saying that a some had thought to re-run the trail, some to back track.
Well.... okay, I'll try that.
The splinter pack of three reverse trail to find... *ahem!* the scribe's early
error, (poorly marked trail I mutters to meself) Picking up the missed trail
into some fine wooded area, checks here, checks there, Back check 8 at the
bottom of a hill by the river side (just more for the hare to drink), Trail
wound thisaway and thataway 'til, glory of glories, the hallowed BN mark.
Luckily, an "ARE YOU!" call allowed us stragglers to avoid the hunt along the
fallen Birch for the pregnant nun. Fine swill was being drunk down below by the
rushing river side with the whole pack gathered, hare included.
The morals of this trail: Never set your in trail so close to your out trail,
Never trust a hasher to just follow the friggin' arrows, Realize that a hasher
in search of beer will even do a trail twice to find the Beer, and finally, any
trail with beer is a damn good trail.
With all (most) of the beer check brew gone, the hare managed to sucker an
unnamed hasher to carry the detritous while the pack hoofed out to the hares
conveniently parked pick-up (Do I detect some auto hashing), short ride back to
the FoodKing with a stop to point out a short novel introduction in chalk which
would have explained how to get to the out trail, had we actually followed true
trail in the first place. Another concluding chalk novel at the FoodKing was
photographed before and after some creative editing. Warnings of Turners Falls
being a "family town" were just plain ignored.
A short convoy up to the hare's just outside bustling downtown Wendell. Circle
pitifully lead by your scribe and GM Canis Lickus. (Much thanks to those who
actually KNOW some songs) And this is just clearly getting too damn long. The
hare was forced to pay a minimum of an ounce per backcheck in down-downs for a
trail that was rated by dictatorial consensus to be a 6.9 outa 10. Virgins,
visitors, newcomers, departers, and violators all downed their due. Rousing
chourses of Chicago, Jesus saves, sunshine mt., the jockey song, and others
offended all and the neighbors. hoorah.
On-On
Canis Lickus
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